Work Accountability and Trauma: Why Women Show Up for Everyone but Themselves

There have been entire chapters of my life where the only way I could get shit done was if someone else was counting on me to show up. My kids? You bet. My employees? I’d go to the ends of the earth. My community? I was SO there for them.

Deadlines? Great. External expectations? Love them. Random Tuesday task that was important for my business but didn’t affect anyone else? LOL, good luck.

It used to make me feel ashamed. I’d think: “Why the hell can’t I just do this for myself?” Then I got sad about it – “WHY was everyone else so important but I couldn’t show up for me?” But the more healing work I did, and the more conversations I had with other women, especially creatives, neurodivergent folks, and LGBTQ+ entrepreneurs, the clearer it became:

This was all people-pleasing dressed up as “Doing The Right Thing”. 

The Market Research That Kicked Me in the Gut

I recently interviewed eight women as part of my market research for my trauma-informed coaching practice. I asked them about their work patterns, their challenges, and the ways they got in their own way. And holy shit – every single one of them brought up a version of the same thing:

“I just need someone to keep me accountable.”

Here’s what I’ve come to understand about that pattern through a trauma-informed lens.  I’m sharing it because if you recognize yourself here, I want you to know you’re not sabotaging yourself – You’re adaptive as hell.

1. You Might Be a Chronic People-Pleaser

If you’re like me, you were probably raised to be pleasing. To make things easy for others. To intuit what was needed and deliver it, even if it cost you something. This is where a lot of us get stuck: if someone else needs it from us, we get it done. But if it’s just for us? It drops off the list. Not because we don’t care, but because our nervous systems literally don’t register our own needs as urgent.

This runs deep. I had to learn how to prioritize my own creative work without making it about someone else’s expectations. And trust me, it wasn’t pretty at first.

2. Your Nervous System Might Be Frozen

Knowing what to do and being able to start are two completely different things. If your brain is telling you it’s time to work but your body is like, “Nah, let’s scroll and disassociate,” That’s your nervous system doing its job, even though it doesn’t usually make any logical sense as to why you’d be scared about anything.

A lot of trauma survivors live in a chronic state of freeze. I know I did. And ‘scroll and disassociate’ can still catch me – I’m not perfect. It’s like the gas pedal is all the way down, but the brake is stuck. When you finally break out of that pattern, it’s not because you found the perfect planner, a killer productivity app, or had the best market strategy. It’s because you created enough safety to move.

3. You’re Afraid of Being Seen

Visibility used to scare the shit out of me. It’s still not always comfortable. I grew up with a parent who made me feel ashamed for taking up space. I’ve had people try to tear me down the second I started succeeding. So it makes sense that even when I wanted to grow, some part of me would resist. Because success brings exposure, and exposure hasn’t always felt safe. In fact, exposure almost never feels safe.

So yeah, I used to sabotage the hell out of my progress, because my body associated visibility with pain, ostracization, and bullying. That’s the body and your nervous system telling you to GTFO and get to higher ground.

4. You’ve Internalized a Lifetime of Oppression

Women, queer folks, trans folks – we’re swimming in a culture that tells us we’re either too much or not enough. That we should be grateful, quiet, polished, smaller. So of course it feels easier to follow someone else’s lead. So of course we wait for someone to check in before we take the next step. We’re not taught to believe our ideas matter unless someone else validates them first.

This is the shit I love coaching around – because the moment someone starts trusting themselves, the shift is visible. They sit up straighter. Their voice steadies. Their whole energy shifts from fear to openness. From crippling self-doubt to loving living in your own skin. It’s magical.

 

5. Accountability Feels Like Co-Regulation

Some of us didn’t have caregivers who modeled structure. We didn’t have someone cheering us on, helping us break tasks into pieces, or celebrating our wins. (In fact, some of us had the opposite, like controlling micro-management or passive-aggressive put-downs.)

So when we seek out an accountability partner, what we’re often really craving is co-regulation. A relational anchor. Someone who says, “I see you. I believe in you. I’m here with you.”

6. You Burn Out. Then You Crash.

This was me for years: all-in, all the time… until my body said “nope.” I’d go full speed ahead until I collapsed into a puddle of exhaustion, resentment, and brain fog. AKA more socially acceptable phrases: “creative block”, “need some down time”, or “I need to fill my bucket”. All of which are valid things to need, but I was stuck in a cycle of over-performing and crashing, which was brutal.

Accountability felt like a guardrail. It kept me from swinging too far in either direction. Eventually, I had to learn how to create those limits internally – but for a long time, I needed someone else to help me hold them.

7. You Were Never Taught How to Lead Yourself

If you were raised in chaos, unpredictability, or control, you likely didn’t get to experiment with healthy autonomy. You weren’t handed the keys to your own pace. If you were a neglected latch-key kid, there was absolutely nobody there to show you how to actually take care of yourself and your own needs.

So now, as an adult, you might find yourself thriving when someone else sets the deadline – but flailing when it’s up to you. That’s not a personal failure. That’s learned behavior. And it can be unlearned.